BORN TO HAVE A PURPOSE,
FORCED TO APPLY FOR A JOB
I want to be able to do some many things, but there is never any time. Sometimes, I feel so restless, I actually just begin to shake. I spoke about this with a bunch of people today, and it seems like a very relatable problem. Martha told me that I should schedule it in, make it a priority and get it done. I guess – I am certain – that I am procrastinating a lot of important things, for the sake of some other less important ones. Misty said that she wished there were thirty-six hours in the day, so that we had more hours to do more things.
I did download the google calander app, that was yesterday, and came around to actually scheduling things in there just some time ago. It just made me even more anxious.
Sometimes it feels like my brain has created a wall around itself, one shaped like my skulk, holding all of this at bay so that I can have a thought. I’d go under so fucking fast if the wall breaks. I do have issues with anxiety, that is a given. I do also have a lot of thoughts. More than average, as was pointed out by Fred. When I was in the yoga course, one of the most important subjects that we studied was regarding this, silence of the mind. One can achieve a higher state of being only through reflection, through a calm and empty mind. Meditation. Your mind should not be in control of you. This is what the wall achieves, I reckon, control over my own mind, over my own thoughts, but it’s not easy, and the wall is very fragile. I think about so much, and I tend to overwhelm myself, quiet often. This is why I want to be able to do so many things, all of them now and all of them simultaneously too.
I am in the middle of finishing this website, even as I type this, I want to write more, write my ‘blogs’ and write more, for myself, in my journal, about important things, about the past. I pulled an old journal out the other day and realized that I used to write a lot – a lot – and I haven’t so much since coming to London. It is rather tragic really. I have probably forgotten about more than half of the things that have happened since I never bothered to document them. That was the purpose of writing, the purpose of this entire website even. I want to be able to finish editing my books. I want to read, there are so many books I need to finish reading. I want to play my games, and play new games too. I definitely have to begin working on my parent's project, which is actually more important than any of the things that I listed before this, but one that I seem to be most reluctant about. I want to draw. I want to run and go visit more museums and talks. I want to go out with my friends. All I really end up doing is work, eat and sleep, most days.
Thirty-six hour days sound amazing.
I did download the google calander app, that was yesterday, and came around to actually scheduling things in there just some time ago. It just made me even more anxious.
Sometimes it feels like my brain has created a wall around itself, one shaped like my skulk, holding all of this at bay so that I can have a thought. I’d go under so fucking fast if the wall breaks. I do have issues with anxiety, that is a given. I do also have a lot of thoughts. More than average, as was pointed out by Fred. When I was in the yoga course, one of the most important subjects that we studied was regarding this, silence of the mind. One can achieve a higher state of being only through reflection, through a calm and empty mind. Meditation. Your mind should not be in control of you. This is what the wall achieves, I reckon, control over my own mind, over my own thoughts, but it’s not easy, and the wall is very fragile. I think about so much, and I tend to overwhelm myself, quiet often. This is why I want to be able to do so many things, all of them now and all of them simultaneously too.
I am in the middle of finishing this website, even as I type this, I want to write more, write my ‘blogs’ and write more, for myself, in my journal, about important things, about the past. I pulled an old journal out the other day and realized that I used to write a lot – a lot – and I haven’t so much since coming to London. It is rather tragic really. I have probably forgotten about more than half of the things that have happened since I never bothered to document them. That was the purpose of writing, the purpose of this entire website even. I want to be able to finish editing my books. I want to read, there are so many books I need to finish reading. I want to play my games, and play new games too. I definitely have to begin working on my parent's project, which is actually more important than any of the things that I listed before this, but one that I seem to be most reluctant about. I want to draw. I want to run and go visit more museums and talks. I want to go out with my friends. All I really end up doing is work, eat and sleep, most days.
Thirty-six hour days sound amazing.
I was cleaning the house this afternoon and realized something that broke my head. I think I’ve been looking at things wrong. Fay had mentioned this in passing just recently, and it came back to me while I was washing the dishes today – worrying about all the things I had to day, mostly worrying about work. Here is the thing, I am looking for a job, I have been dying for a job, but what I really want, what I should really been thinking about, is looking for a purpose. I want a purpose, everything else is just incidentals. I simply want to be working towards fulfilling my purpose in life, the rest is just survival or leisure.
This realization has completely warped my mind.
I don’t know what I want to do with this new perspective. I don’t know how I am going to be able to apply this to my day-to-day, but it does make me feel less anxious about the situation that we are in right now. It helps with detachment.
I remember, some time ago, I was thinking about what really brought me fulfillment, but I never gave too much thought to this. I will now.
Here is the issues, the dissonance between the survival, leisure and the purpose. I wield my own purpose, but unfortunately, survival trumps fulfillment right now. Born to daydream and wander, forced to use google calendar and pay rent. I put this on my social media yesterday. I imagine this is what adulthood is all about.
This realization has completely warped my mind.
I don’t know what I want to do with this new perspective. I don’t know how I am going to be able to apply this to my day-to-day, but it does make me feel less anxious about the situation that we are in right now. It helps with detachment.
I remember, some time ago, I was thinking about what really brought me fulfillment, but I never gave too much thought to this. I will now.
Here is the issues, the dissonance between the survival, leisure and the purpose. I wield my own purpose, but unfortunately, survival trumps fulfillment right now. Born to daydream and wander, forced to use google calendar and pay rent. I put this on my social media yesterday. I imagine this is what adulthood is all about.