When I used to live in Auroville, we would actually sit around and just hang out for ages, once I managed to make some friends, that is. I remember, when I moved into the other guesthouse cross the boundary wall next to my treehouse, and I was so scared of everyone there, and then this girl moved in for a couple of months and she began to talk to me and we began to hang out and she introduced me to so many new people. Then we would hang out with all of them, and we would sit around and play cards and talk for hours, or go for dinner and sit around for hours and eat and order tea, and smoke and eat some more or move back to someplace else to talk and hang out more. It was always like that, and I loved it, I loved hanging out like that, and hardly ever thinking of leaving.
Well, even before I had left to go to Auroville, I was so close to Ted, and it was so fun I would never want to leave. We would hang out for hours no end, and I would never want to leave. Hours would literally flow by, unnoticeable, and it would never be enough, and I would never – never – think about wanting to leave, always to stay, for a bit more, just a few minutes more, talk about this thing or that for a few more minutes. Back then we would stay out for so long, late into the night, and I would mostly only go home when I’d get a call, saying it’s too late. Never once do I remember thinking, oh, I guess I would like to leave now, or never once would I think, ‘I am goinna dip in an hour’. Never. I don’t remember any time when I would actually go out wanting to get back being the priority. Okay, now, maybe this might be a little bit of an unfair example, as this was more romantically influenced, but it still applies, as we were friends, and only that, and this is more about human connection than anything. About connecting with people, or environments or situations that make you want to stay and make you want to not leave.
So, over the years, I have come to realize that my love language is primarily quality time. I value my time over anything else, my time is so important to me, and if I spend that time with anyone else but myself, then you must be very important to me. That's all there is to it. I don’t know if I use this as an excuse to shield myself from social interactions, or from really getting close to anyone anymore. I don’t know. I simply haven’t been able to really find anywhere or find anything that would just make me want to stay recently. The last one was Fred. I am not very socially inclined, and it really does get worse with all this stress, I feel more and more that I need to recede into myself, more and more I need to separate from everything and everyone around me to let myself time to deal with everything that I am going through. Maybe all of this is just excuses, to simply protect myself, to keep from actually putting any kind of real effort into this, into keeping relations and connecting with anything in a more profound manner. I don’t know if anything is going to help. I meet a lot of people, and none of them seem appropriate. I have a lot of friends and a lot of people I love, I really love, but I always want to leave somehow.
This has been bugging me for so long. I don’t think I am making excuses for myself, I genuinely don’t. I just feel like I haven’t found anything more familiar to myself in a long time. I don’t think I have found any place that intrigues me enough. I miss the feeling, the feeling of wanting to stay, wanting to wait for ten minutes longer, to not have to go go go.
I used to be a different person, I reckon. I used to also have a lot of energy for things. I hardly have any anymore.
In Auroville, when I was dating someone there, we would still do that, still hang out a lot and sit around for hours and talk and drink or play cards or video games, just sit around. A lot. I cannot remember anymore if I wanted to be there or not, but I don’t think leaving was a prominent emotion in my mind also back then either. I used to sit around and observe everything. I would have great conversations with some people, about so many random things. We would eat sometimes, or cook together, and they would all drink a lot, which was fun to be around, very entertaining. And we would get high, and maybe that is something that made it different. Maybe it would be more fun to stay out, and stay a little bit longer, to stick around if I got high, I don’t know. Well, we would spend so long just hanging out, and being around people, and it wasn’t like there were many people that I really wanted to stick around for especially back them, but I hardly ever minded any of it, I never felt too inclined to leave in a rush. I was mostly in the background then, but it was okay still alright for me. I hardly ever wanted to leave when I was with Kendrick too. We didn’t have the kind of intimacy that Ferry and I do, the way I love to hang around him and miss him when he isn’t around. We didn’t talk so much, and we didn’t really mess around, but I was never bored around him. I lived with him for a while, too, and that was pretty easy.
I was much more involved, not so much an observer, the other time around. I made my own friends, and I would hang out with them. I would go to places by myself, and stay for hours, for entire days and nights. It felt amazing. I was surrounded by a lot of people, and most of them I wouldn’t mind sticking around with. We would all go to the beach, they would surf and swim, and I would hang out on the sand, and it would go on for hours. We would get something to eat, and then go back home, maybe drink some, maybe cook, or just sprawl around in someone’s house or another. I hardly ever wanted to fucking leave back then. Even now, as I write this and it’s been so many years since then, all of it still stirs some kind of comfort in my heart. It was so warm, so fucking nice. We would end up at someone's house in the evenings, and someone would pull out cigarettes, and someone would pull out something to cook, and someone would go run for something to drink. Nights would melt into the days, and we would just sleep on top of each other and wake up and get on to something else. It was never planned. There was hardly any time at all during all of this when I felt like I had to go home, when I refused to go somewhere or do something. We would hang out all fucking night at parties, and I would never think of leaving. I don’t know what it was about all of that. Was it other people that kept me there? I am sure, it was so fucking nice to just hang out. I didn’t get drained of people, I didn’t get drained of being surrounded by so much drama. I actually loved being around a lot of energy, and being outside, and amongst things that were familiar and unfamiliar. It was so beautiful, I would want to go to places and stay there. No one had to convince me to go, no one had to convince me to stay. I was happy to hang out until whenever, and it would actu-
Well, even before I had left to go to Auroville, I was so close to Ted, and it was so fun I would never want to leave. We would hang out for hours no end, and I would never want to leave. Hours would literally flow by, unnoticeable, and it would never be enough, and I would never – never – think about wanting to leave, always to stay, for a bit more, just a few minutes more, talk about this thing or that for a few more minutes. Back then we would stay out for so long, late into the night, and I would mostly only go home when I’d get a call, saying it’s too late. Never once do I remember thinking, oh, I guess I would like to leave now, or never once would I think, ‘I am goinna dip in an hour’. Never. I don’t remember any time when I would actually go out wanting to get back being the priority. Okay, now, maybe this might be a little bit of an unfair example, as this was more romantically influenced, but it still applies, as we were friends, and only that, and this is more about human connection than anything. About connecting with people, or environments or situations that make you want to stay and make you want to not leave.
So, over the years, I have come to realize that my love language is primarily quality time. I value my time over anything else, my time is so important to me, and if I spend that time with anyone else but myself, then you must be very important to me. That's all there is to it. I don’t know if I use this as an excuse to shield myself from social interactions, or from really getting close to anyone anymore. I don’t know. I simply haven’t been able to really find anywhere or find anything that would just make me want to stay recently. The last one was Fred. I am not very socially inclined, and it really does get worse with all this stress, I feel more and more that I need to recede into myself, more and more I need to separate from everything and everyone around me to let myself time to deal with everything that I am going through. Maybe all of this is just excuses, to simply protect myself, to keep from actually putting any kind of real effort into this, into keeping relations and connecting with anything in a more profound manner. I don’t know if anything is going to help. I meet a lot of people, and none of them seem appropriate. I have a lot of friends and a lot of people I love, I really love, but I always want to leave somehow.
This has been bugging me for so long. I don’t think I am making excuses for myself, I genuinely don’t. I just feel like I haven’t found anything more familiar to myself in a long time. I don’t think I have found any place that intrigues me enough. I miss the feeling, the feeling of wanting to stay, wanting to wait for ten minutes longer, to not have to go go go.
I used to be a different person, I reckon. I used to also have a lot of energy for things. I hardly have any anymore.
In Auroville, when I was dating someone there, we would still do that, still hang out a lot and sit around for hours and talk and drink or play cards or video games, just sit around. A lot. I cannot remember anymore if I wanted to be there or not, but I don’t think leaving was a prominent emotion in my mind also back then either. I used to sit around and observe everything. I would have great conversations with some people, about so many random things. We would eat sometimes, or cook together, and they would all drink a lot, which was fun to be around, very entertaining. And we would get high, and maybe that is something that made it different. Maybe it would be more fun to stay out, and stay a little bit longer, to stick around if I got high, I don’t know. Well, we would spend so long just hanging out, and being around people, and it wasn’t like there were many people that I really wanted to stick around for especially back them, but I hardly ever minded any of it, I never felt too inclined to leave in a rush. I was mostly in the background then, but it was okay still alright for me. I hardly ever wanted to leave when I was with Kendrick too. We didn’t have the kind of intimacy that Ferry and I do, the way I love to hang around him and miss him when he isn’t around. We didn’t talk so much, and we didn’t really mess around, but I was never bored around him. I lived with him for a while, too, and that was pretty easy.
I was much more involved, not so much an observer, the other time around. I made my own friends, and I would hang out with them. I would go to places by myself, and stay for hours, for entire days and nights. It felt amazing. I was surrounded by a lot of people, and most of them I wouldn’t mind sticking around with. We would all go to the beach, they would surf and swim, and I would hang out on the sand, and it would go on for hours. We would get something to eat, and then go back home, maybe drink some, maybe cook, or just sprawl around in someone’s house or another. I hardly ever wanted to fucking leave back then. Even now, as I write this and it’s been so many years since then, all of it still stirs some kind of comfort in my heart. It was so warm, so fucking nice. We would end up at someone's house in the evenings, and someone would pull out cigarettes, and someone would pull out something to cook, and someone would go run for something to drink. Nights would melt into the days, and we would just sleep on top of each other and wake up and get on to something else. It was never planned. There was hardly any time at all during all of this when I felt like I had to go home, when I refused to go somewhere or do something. We would hang out all fucking night at parties, and I would never think of leaving. I don’t know what it was about all of that. Was it other people that kept me there? I am sure, it was so fucking nice to just hang out. I didn’t get drained of people, I didn’t get drained of being surrounded by so much drama. I actually loved being around a lot of energy, and being outside, and amongst things that were familiar and unfamiliar. It was so beautiful, I would want to go to places and stay there. No one had to convince me to go, no one had to convince me to stay. I was happy to hang out until whenever, and it would actu-
ally bring me a lot of peace, just to stay. I remember one day so clearly, I was at
work and I came to the first house that Sara was living in, it was further down the road
than where we used to work in. They called me down to there, and it was raining so heavily, and I got completely drenched, and Rey and Sidney were cooking a whole ass
elaborate meal there. I changed, ate food, and went back to work later than I should have, and then I came back to the house and spent most of the whole night there too. I have such fucking amazing memories of so fucking many dinners and lunches around that massive table at the ground floor, and so many hours spent on that massive, beautiful balcony outside of Sasha’s room.
I would hang out with Derik a lot, and Victor. When I was living by myself, they would come around, mostly on Sundays, and we would cook some food with whatever it was that I had left in my shelves, and we would eat and we would watch some random videos on my laptop and that is how we wound spend the day. I would spend most of my time with Veron. That was the best. I have never arrived at his house with the idea of leaving, never, well, unless it was planned already. We would watch shows, binge watch shows, or movies and we would play video games, or more like he would play and I was watching and react, and we would smoke, so much. We would hang out for fucking hours, and it was so nice, so peaceful. I didn’t feel like I had to be anyone there, and I would always want to hang out for a while longer. I loved hanging out with him. We would have breakfast at the bakery, and it was some of my favorite things to do in Auroville. I loved to sit around and eat breakfast, or even have coffee or tea, or lunch. We had our particular favorites every place. We almost had rituals. These breakfasts, dinners and movies seemed to anchor my past in place. I don’t ever remember wanting to leave. When I had gone back to Auroville one last time, we had spent a whole afternoon in the bakery, I remember which seat too, I remember clearly which side I had been sitting on and I very clearly remember pushing my other plans back just to sit there and hang out with him. How fucking rare. It was one of the most fun conversations I have ever had in my life. We went to the beach from there and then continued to hang out at someone else’s house and then I saw him again in the morning for breakfast, and that was the last time I had seen him. I am sure I stayed for a little bit longer than I should have had. I am sure I didn’t want to leave.
I miss that feeling a lot.
Was it the people? Or was it the situation?
I miss Ellie and James too, so much. They were the last two people with whom I had found this form of intimacy, this endless and seamless companionship that brought me so much comfort and joy, that made me want to stay. We spent so many hours together. Ellie would stay over, when we moved to Ealing, and we would just hang out from day into night into day. With her, it was mostly Fen who would mostly be engaged in conversation because they would go on and on about politics and the world. It was rucking adorable. Me and Jake, we got along right from the get. We are basically the same person, so it is so fucking easy for me to talk to him. We are emotionally and mentally so similar, we just get each other. I went to Russell Square Park the other day, and I was thinking about this one time when I met with him there. We sat on a bench for hours, talking about random shit, and it felt amazing. I never get tired of being around him, never. A very rare occurrence. He is one of three people I have met in my life that doesn’t drain my energy, one of three people with whom interaction is spiritually replenishing for me. We would sit in the kitchen or in the back in the halls and talk for hours and it was fucking great. We used to sit at the tables outside of Kanteen Kitchen, oh god. One of my favorite places ever. The fucking Turkish sausage sandwiches, although completely shit, and overpriced and made of bread and cheese and meat trolleyed in from Morrisons from time to time, holds such emotional value to me, I almost cry whenever I think of it. I have spent so many hours there, talked about almost everything with the four – five of us, squished in around a single table most times, next to all of those elaborate cakes on the window. We also spent so many hours around the pool table. I hate to speak of this, because I miss Neal so much. We used to play so much pool, and I loved to call him my friend. He cracked me up so much.
Well, we didn’t work at the cafe so much then, and if we had to do schoolwork, we would just do it together. We hardly left each other. Well, back then Farid was dating his ex, and he would usually leave to go and talk to her. But again, we don’t talk about that. So, was it also the circumstance? Even if someone was working until one in the night, we could come down for a smoke if we were awake when they got back.
I find myself getting so nostalgic about Morrocco. Oh god. I never wanted to leave. We went to the market and sat around and talked for hours, we went to the fountain of God and sat around and had tea and smoked and talked, we went to the beach and we went to the bar and to eat food and we sat at the rest stop for too long, talking, smoking, laughing, and we did all of that on the way to all of these places too. My fondest memories of this time were when we would spend hours in the Riads with our breakfasts spread out in front of us every morning, having just rolled out of bed, ready to go on to do whatever we were supposed to then, under this bright sun, lazy and so completely there, and nowhere else. We would sit on the terrace and talk so much. It was so much and it was actually a bit of a pain to get up and leave. Moments like this meant something so different then, they passed by, unnoticed, and the absence of this has been eating at my heart these days.
It has to be circumstance.
The point of this whole entire spiel was that I began to think about this before we went to Turkey. I have been doing this a lot, and right now, I do think it’s mostly just because of myself. I am just too involved in my own self to care about staying. I am too involved in my own life and my own problems. Busy fucking surviving. Survival. Would it be different if our life wasn’t so hectic right now? Would I want to go out more and talk to more people and give myself time to form friendships independently and with more passion and more intent. I don’t know, aren’t you supposed to make time for things that you love, like friends and going out and shit? I mean, I could make time, but I cou-
I would hang out with Derik a lot, and Victor. When I was living by myself, they would come around, mostly on Sundays, and we would cook some food with whatever it was that I had left in my shelves, and we would eat and we would watch some random videos on my laptop and that is how we wound spend the day. I would spend most of my time with Veron. That was the best. I have never arrived at his house with the idea of leaving, never, well, unless it was planned already. We would watch shows, binge watch shows, or movies and we would play video games, or more like he would play and I was watching and react, and we would smoke, so much. We would hang out for fucking hours, and it was so nice, so peaceful. I didn’t feel like I had to be anyone there, and I would always want to hang out for a while longer. I loved hanging out with him. We would have breakfast at the bakery, and it was some of my favorite things to do in Auroville. I loved to sit around and eat breakfast, or even have coffee or tea, or lunch. We had our particular favorites every place. We almost had rituals. These breakfasts, dinners and movies seemed to anchor my past in place. I don’t ever remember wanting to leave. When I had gone back to Auroville one last time, we had spent a whole afternoon in the bakery, I remember which seat too, I remember clearly which side I had been sitting on and I very clearly remember pushing my other plans back just to sit there and hang out with him. How fucking rare. It was one of the most fun conversations I have ever had in my life. We went to the beach from there and then continued to hang out at someone else’s house and then I saw him again in the morning for breakfast, and that was the last time I had seen him. I am sure I stayed for a little bit longer than I should have had. I am sure I didn’t want to leave.
I miss that feeling a lot.
Was it the people? Or was it the situation?
I miss Ellie and James too, so much. They were the last two people with whom I had found this form of intimacy, this endless and seamless companionship that brought me so much comfort and joy, that made me want to stay. We spent so many hours together. Ellie would stay over, when we moved to Ealing, and we would just hang out from day into night into day. With her, it was mostly Fen who would mostly be engaged in conversation because they would go on and on about politics and the world. It was rucking adorable. Me and Jake, we got along right from the get. We are basically the same person, so it is so fucking easy for me to talk to him. We are emotionally and mentally so similar, we just get each other. I went to Russell Square Park the other day, and I was thinking about this one time when I met with him there. We sat on a bench for hours, talking about random shit, and it felt amazing. I never get tired of being around him, never. A very rare occurrence. He is one of three people I have met in my life that doesn’t drain my energy, one of three people with whom interaction is spiritually replenishing for me. We would sit in the kitchen or in the back in the halls and talk for hours and it was fucking great. We used to sit at the tables outside of Kanteen Kitchen, oh god. One of my favorite places ever. The fucking Turkish sausage sandwiches, although completely shit, and overpriced and made of bread and cheese and meat trolleyed in from Morrisons from time to time, holds such emotional value to me, I almost cry whenever I think of it. I have spent so many hours there, talked about almost everything with the four – five of us, squished in around a single table most times, next to all of those elaborate cakes on the window. We also spent so many hours around the pool table. I hate to speak of this, because I miss Neal so much. We used to play so much pool, and I loved to call him my friend. He cracked me up so much.
Well, we didn’t work at the cafe so much then, and if we had to do schoolwork, we would just do it together. We hardly left each other. Well, back then Farid was dating his ex, and he would usually leave to go and talk to her. But again, we don’t talk about that. So, was it also the circumstance? Even if someone was working until one in the night, we could come down for a smoke if we were awake when they got back.
I find myself getting so nostalgic about Morrocco. Oh god. I never wanted to leave. We went to the market and sat around and talked for hours, we went to the fountain of God and sat around and had tea and smoked and talked, we went to the beach and we went to the bar and to eat food and we sat at the rest stop for too long, talking, smoking, laughing, and we did all of that on the way to all of these places too. My fondest memories of this time were when we would spend hours in the Riads with our breakfasts spread out in front of us every morning, having just rolled out of bed, ready to go on to do whatever we were supposed to then, under this bright sun, lazy and so completely there, and nowhere else. We would sit on the terrace and talk so much. It was so much and it was actually a bit of a pain to get up and leave. Moments like this meant something so different then, they passed by, unnoticed, and the absence of this has been eating at my heart these days.
It has to be circumstance.
The point of this whole entire spiel was that I began to think about this before we went to Turkey. I have been doing this a lot, and right now, I do think it’s mostly just because of myself. I am just too involved in my own self to care about staying. I am too involved in my own life and my own problems. Busy fucking surviving. Survival. Would it be different if our life wasn’t so hectic right now? Would I want to go out more and talk to more people and give myself time to form friendships independently and with more passion and more intent. I don’t know, aren’t you supposed to make time for things that you love, like friends and going out and shit? I mean, I could make time, but I cou-
ldn’t make energy. Fawad wants me to go to the pub with Owen and all of that group of people. I want to, too, but
I don’t want to either. I don’t want to go to the pub
and sit around and talk to people I don’t
know, people I don’t know if I want to know. And also, I hate going to the pub. Well, I will go. I don’t know if I will enjoy it, and then I will want to leave. I also get a bit paranoid that
this ruins Finn’s time too. I don’t always want to be saying, ‘let’s go’, it is a bit of a bummer. I feel like a bit of a bummer when it comes to that. I hate it in myself sometimes.
When we went to Turkey, I was very, very intent on making sure to no be in a rush, to not go, go, go. I want to be able to really sit down somewhere and not want to get up. I want to slow down. It was actually very easy to do this. I mean, we were on vacation, we hardly had any concrete plans, and every place we went to was beautiful and exciting. Even if I felt like I wanted to leave, and maybe go somewhere else, or do something else, I would make myself get over it. I loved it, I really did. Lingering, observing, and taking everything in like this, slowly, hanging back and taking it all in. It felt so fucking good, it really did. I forced myself to sit back and really be present. It felt brilliant. I loved to be able to just not rush through life and want to leave, think of having to go somewhere else and do something else. I enjoyed it immensely. How refreshing, and so fucking beautiful, this sense of peace that stemed from not being in a loop of impatience and restlessness. I was able to really take a breath, everything was so languid. I can recollect everything in so much more detail, and with so much more precision. Not hurrying through life and my actions, not wanting to be somewhere else, or just away from where I was. Not wanting to leave.
It was on the second to last day that we were in Turkey, we were in Karaburn. We weren’t going to do anything that day, it was the last proper day of vacation we had in the country, and since we had been going and going, we decided to take the day to actually relax. We woke up late, lounged around, and then we went to get breakfast. I found this random place about ten minutes away from where we were living, on top of the hill, on the other side, away from the water. We drove to the place, through this lovely little bit of village. All of Karaburun is like that, dotted with groups of houses along the coast and sheltered between the hills. It was so quiet there, everybody seemed to be enjoying their Sunday. We went up to this beautiful place, with a fireplace in the middle of the room inside, and a covered outdoor seating where groups of old men sat with their tea and their cigarettes, chatting. It was truly a beautiful place, on top of the mountain, sprawling in its own extent, humble but bright and full of life. People inside were busy with their own food and teas and chatter. The tables along the outside wall were full after we took the last one, and the rest of the places were dotted with more old, just simply lounging, drinking tea, chatting. There was a lady who came in with a bunch of other people, and she greeted all the old men by kissing their hands. Farid said that all of his family greeted their elders like this. It was such a heartwarming thing to witness. Everyone seemed to know each other, and it was very warm. We were the only two people who weren’t from around there. We sat down and the guy asked us if we wanted breakfast and we got the breakfast and come coffee and it was so fucking amazing. This entire spread of delectable foods appeared in front of us, one dish at a time. It was fucking amazing. Massive green and lack olives, tomatoes and peppers, eggs so delicious, the taste of it ingrained in my head for life, and little scoops of butter and golden, silky, floral honey and cheeses and fresh vegetables and this insanely sweet and spicey concoction of some kind – a jam of some sort to dip my bread in. We had a discussion about this when walking back to the car. The food was so lush. It felt like I was eating like a king, this lovely banquet of fresh foods, everything made with care and love, and full of so much flavor and so much freshness. But it was just normal food, fruits and vegetables and some eggs and cheese. I didn’t know if it was the day, the place, the environment that we were in, all these people sitting around and enjoying their Sunday morning with families and friends, smoking and talking and drinking their tea. It made me really think about how I had been spending my time recently, really think about all of it. The discovery channel was playing in the back, on top, on a little television. We sat around for hours. Someone put more wood into the fire that was burring in the center of the room. We ate our food, and people kept coming and going. We watched all of it unfold in front of us as we ate our food, took pictures, and talked. It was one of the most relaxing mornings of my life. I wished we had cigarettes then, so that we could go out and smoke.
We sat at the cafe for hours that morning. The kitchen was busy, so many cups of tea just flying all around us. The people at the table in front of us began to talk to us, and it was so fun. They asked us about how we found the place, and that it was so rare to see any tourists in the entire island, let alone in the little cafe. They were so sweet, and so beautiful. The old people put another table together at the other end of the table and began to play a gambling game. More tables were formed. More food and more tea, so much more tea, was sent out. Slowly, the entire cafe filled up with people. Another table was pulled together to play cards on. Another large family occupied the table that the other lovely family had left, and they seemed to also know everyone else around us. I would have never left the place. It felt like I could just sit there, endlessly, just sit, and talk and eat, and just wrap myself in this little piece of my own life that I had somehow stumbled into. The sun streaked through whips of smoke, and a lot of hands and laughter, that’s a lot of what I remember from that morning. And the great food.
At some point it felt like people really needed the table that we were at, and that is the only reason why we decided to leave, it felt a little bit rude to not. We had some more tea, and then Freddy went to go pay, and he wrote on his google translate that he was so happy to be there, and that the food had been amazing. That the place reminded him of home because the old people reminded him of his grandparents. Everyone was so happy to see that.
It was beautiful, this feeling of letting time pass by in a place that felt like a shelter, doing nothing, absolutely nothing, and being at peace, just being so present, nothing separating me from reality for those few hours. I could breathe. I didn’t think about having to be someplace else. I was so happy, relaxed. I talked to Faith, didn’t think about anything else. To not think about anything else, to not worry. I wish I stumble across this feeling again. It felt amazing. To not want to leave, and then to stay.
When we went to Turkey, I was very, very intent on making sure to no be in a rush, to not go, go, go. I want to be able to really sit down somewhere and not want to get up. I want to slow down. It was actually very easy to do this. I mean, we were on vacation, we hardly had any concrete plans, and every place we went to was beautiful and exciting. Even if I felt like I wanted to leave, and maybe go somewhere else, or do something else, I would make myself get over it. I loved it, I really did. Lingering, observing, and taking everything in like this, slowly, hanging back and taking it all in. It felt so fucking good, it really did. I forced myself to sit back and really be present. It felt brilliant. I loved to be able to just not rush through life and want to leave, think of having to go somewhere else and do something else. I enjoyed it immensely. How refreshing, and so fucking beautiful, this sense of peace that stemed from not being in a loop of impatience and restlessness. I was able to really take a breath, everything was so languid. I can recollect everything in so much more detail, and with so much more precision. Not hurrying through life and my actions, not wanting to be somewhere else, or just away from where I was. Not wanting to leave.
It was on the second to last day that we were in Turkey, we were in Karaburn. We weren’t going to do anything that day, it was the last proper day of vacation we had in the country, and since we had been going and going, we decided to take the day to actually relax. We woke up late, lounged around, and then we went to get breakfast. I found this random place about ten minutes away from where we were living, on top of the hill, on the other side, away from the water. We drove to the place, through this lovely little bit of village. All of Karaburun is like that, dotted with groups of houses along the coast and sheltered between the hills. It was so quiet there, everybody seemed to be enjoying their Sunday. We went up to this beautiful place, with a fireplace in the middle of the room inside, and a covered outdoor seating where groups of old men sat with their tea and their cigarettes, chatting. It was truly a beautiful place, on top of the mountain, sprawling in its own extent, humble but bright and full of life. People inside were busy with their own food and teas and chatter. The tables along the outside wall were full after we took the last one, and the rest of the places were dotted with more old, just simply lounging, drinking tea, chatting. There was a lady who came in with a bunch of other people, and she greeted all the old men by kissing their hands. Farid said that all of his family greeted their elders like this. It was such a heartwarming thing to witness. Everyone seemed to know each other, and it was very warm. We were the only two people who weren’t from around there. We sat down and the guy asked us if we wanted breakfast and we got the breakfast and come coffee and it was so fucking amazing. This entire spread of delectable foods appeared in front of us, one dish at a time. It was fucking amazing. Massive green and lack olives, tomatoes and peppers, eggs so delicious, the taste of it ingrained in my head for life, and little scoops of butter and golden, silky, floral honey and cheeses and fresh vegetables and this insanely sweet and spicey concoction of some kind – a jam of some sort to dip my bread in. We had a discussion about this when walking back to the car. The food was so lush. It felt like I was eating like a king, this lovely banquet of fresh foods, everything made with care and love, and full of so much flavor and so much freshness. But it was just normal food, fruits and vegetables and some eggs and cheese. I didn’t know if it was the day, the place, the environment that we were in, all these people sitting around and enjoying their Sunday morning with families and friends, smoking and talking and drinking their tea. It made me really think about how I had been spending my time recently, really think about all of it. The discovery channel was playing in the back, on top, on a little television. We sat around for hours. Someone put more wood into the fire that was burring in the center of the room. We ate our food, and people kept coming and going. We watched all of it unfold in front of us as we ate our food, took pictures, and talked. It was one of the most relaxing mornings of my life. I wished we had cigarettes then, so that we could go out and smoke.
We sat at the cafe for hours that morning. The kitchen was busy, so many cups of tea just flying all around us. The people at the table in front of us began to talk to us, and it was so fun. They asked us about how we found the place, and that it was so rare to see any tourists in the entire island, let alone in the little cafe. They were so sweet, and so beautiful. The old people put another table together at the other end of the table and began to play a gambling game. More tables were formed. More food and more tea, so much more tea, was sent out. Slowly, the entire cafe filled up with people. Another table was pulled together to play cards on. Another large family occupied the table that the other lovely family had left, and they seemed to also know everyone else around us. I would have never left the place. It felt like I could just sit there, endlessly, just sit, and talk and eat, and just wrap myself in this little piece of my own life that I had somehow stumbled into. The sun streaked through whips of smoke, and a lot of hands and laughter, that’s a lot of what I remember from that morning. And the great food.
At some point it felt like people really needed the table that we were at, and that is the only reason why we decided to leave, it felt a little bit rude to not. We had some more tea, and then Freddy went to go pay, and he wrote on his google translate that he was so happy to be there, and that the food had been amazing. That the place reminded him of home because the old people reminded him of his grandparents. Everyone was so happy to see that.
It was beautiful, this feeling of letting time pass by in a place that felt like a shelter, doing nothing, absolutely nothing, and being at peace, just being so present, nothing separating me from reality for those few hours. I could breathe. I didn’t think about having to be someplace else. I was so happy, relaxed. I talked to Faith, didn’t think about anything else. To not think about anything else, to not worry. I wish I stumble across this feeling again. It felt amazing. To not want to leave, and then to stay.