I don’t think I am a networking kinda person. First and foremost, I am more introverted than not. It is very hard for me to talk to people, even be around a lot of people, honestly, it drains me, so much. In life I have only encountered three people with whom I can spend hours and hours and days talking and feel okay with it. I went to Morrocco with two of them, and left the third – or the first, actually, chronologically – far back. It is really difficult, people drain me, I lose words, and I get tired. I am not even a good at making conversation, more often than not I somehow manage to get stuck on random phrases - ‘oh, okay’, ‘oh, that’s amazing’, shit like that, and when I begin to fall back on these, I get extremely self-conscious, which makes me even worse at the entire thing. It's a vicious cycle.
I don’t think I am a networking kinda person.
Last week, I went to an open day event at the AA. It was horrible, and I was fucking exhausted for days after it, I think I still am. This time around, I did better than the a year ago, when I had gone to this event fresh out of grad school, but it took a lot from me. I did manage to talk to a lot of people, and get some fruitful conversations going, which I hadn’t last year. To begin with, I was so fucking anxious before the whole thing, I was crying at the shed when I went to see Fray and get a coffee for myself. My head was in an absolute mess. Fen said that I should begin with people I didn’t really care about, and this was good advice. The first conversation I had with a company I bombed so fucking hard, it’s not even funny. I hardly managed to get my name out of my mouth. The whole thing was entirely awkward and made no sense, and led to nowhere. Then it got better. I spoke to a lot of people. This was utterly painful. The same thing, on repeat, ‘hi, I am Sophia, lalalalala,’ the most exhausting bullshit. But I got through it. My words began to scramble again, towards the end, and it was not funny, words running into each other, my breath catching with the sound of my voice, voice running out in between sentences, and a complete loss of the knowledge of language. It was so hard. That one hour was so sickeningly long.
About a week before this I had an interview, it didn’t lead to anything, but interestingly the day when I got the call of this interview, a day before the thing itself, I was working at the cafe, and I had a random conversation with someone, a girl I think, someone not a regular, and when the person left, I distinctly remember thinking about the entire interaction. I had spoken so clearly, not hesitant or shy, I hadn't even fallen back to my safe phrase, and it was a very nice – short – conversation, and I remember being rather amazed at how well I had done just then. I had told Fanny about this on the way back home, on the bus, and told him about how this made me sure that I would be okay at the interview. I did okay. I failed the test part of it, which is a whole another tangent, but I was pretty okay at the talking part of it.
I don’t think I am a networking kinda person.
Last week, I went to an open day event at the AA. It was horrible, and I was fucking exhausted for days after it, I think I still am. This time around, I did better than the a year ago, when I had gone to this event fresh out of grad school, but it took a lot from me. I did manage to talk to a lot of people, and get some fruitful conversations going, which I hadn’t last year. To begin with, I was so fucking anxious before the whole thing, I was crying at the shed when I went to see Fray and get a coffee for myself. My head was in an absolute mess. Fen said that I should begin with people I didn’t really care about, and this was good advice. The first conversation I had with a company I bombed so fucking hard, it’s not even funny. I hardly managed to get my name out of my mouth. The whole thing was entirely awkward and made no sense, and led to nowhere. Then it got better. I spoke to a lot of people. This was utterly painful. The same thing, on repeat, ‘hi, I am Sophia, lalalalala,’ the most exhausting bullshit. But I got through it. My words began to scramble again, towards the end, and it was not funny, words running into each other, my breath catching with the sound of my voice, voice running out in between sentences, and a complete loss of the knowledge of language. It was so hard. That one hour was so sickeningly long.
About a week before this I had an interview, it didn’t lead to anything, but interestingly the day when I got the call of this interview, a day before the thing itself, I was working at the cafe, and I had a random conversation with someone, a girl I think, someone not a regular, and when the person left, I distinctly remember thinking about the entire interaction. I had spoken so clearly, not hesitant or shy, I hadn't even fallen back to my safe phrase, and it was a very nice – short – conversation, and I remember being rather amazed at how well I had done just then. I had told Fanny about this on the way back home, on the bus, and told him about how this made me sure that I would be okay at the interview. I did okay. I failed the test part of it, which is a whole another tangent, but I was pretty okay at the talking part of it.
The thing is, I wish I didn’t have to be in any of these situations.
I have definitely become much more confident since I had to live by myself. I used to have very low self-esteem. That was one of the reasons why I never thought anything could be possible between Thomas and I – this has come up in conversation. Even with him, though, we did manage to have good conversations, and long ones, but I reckon the reason for that was very different – another tangent. I only began to think of myself as interesting and attractive enough when I went to Auroville. Interacting with people back then was so difficult, but I managed somehow. First with Vivian, in the dorm, and then with that one dude, and then with Karl, and then with all of these new people, all of his friends. Then I was surrounded by a lot of people, and I really wanted to impress them, I really wanted to make a good image for myself. There were so many hours I would sit around talking to Getty, and this is a man who is about ten, twelve years older to me, trying to make sure that I wasn’t being boring, that the conversation was good. It was difficult, trying to push myself to be in their league of thoughts and maturity. I was a kid. But this made me the person that I am today. I was trying to find a place for myself, and I managed to become me then.
I became someone that other people could talk to, could spend time with.
Going back to Auroville was more intense than it had been before.
It was very difficult for me to try and figure out all of these people around me while trying to figure myself out too. It was fun, I am not going to lie, being able to make these interlacing relationships with people, and realising that people wanted to be around me too, that I was appreciated in my place.
I used to walk around a lot back then, and I loved it.
I am not sure which scenario I work best in, to be honest.
When I came to London, I managed to make a bunch of friends too, immediately, and of course, at that point I was living in a student accommodation, and we were all in the same boat, honestly, all of us were trying to make friends and it was as easy as going outside to have a smoke. I made a couple of friends at work too, and that wasn’t too hard really, either. So, making friends is easy, and talking to people one-on-one renders me into a anxious mess. Pery Henricks said that she enjoyed our conversation when I went to go see her, she thought that I was an extremely amazing person, and that she loved talking to me. I was fucked up for two whole days prior to this forty-five-minute meeting, and then for another day or so, after, I slept so much after.
I have definitely become much more confident since I had to live by myself. I used to have very low self-esteem. That was one of the reasons why I never thought anything could be possible between Thomas and I – this has come up in conversation. Even with him, though, we did manage to have good conversations, and long ones, but I reckon the reason for that was very different – another tangent. I only began to think of myself as interesting and attractive enough when I went to Auroville. Interacting with people back then was so difficult, but I managed somehow. First with Vivian, in the dorm, and then with that one dude, and then with Karl, and then with all of these new people, all of his friends. Then I was surrounded by a lot of people, and I really wanted to impress them, I really wanted to make a good image for myself. There were so many hours I would sit around talking to Getty, and this is a man who is about ten, twelve years older to me, trying to make sure that I wasn’t being boring, that the conversation was good. It was difficult, trying to push myself to be in their league of thoughts and maturity. I was a kid. But this made me the person that I am today. I was trying to find a place for myself, and I managed to become me then.
I became someone that other people could talk to, could spend time with.
Going back to Auroville was more intense than it had been before.
It was very difficult for me to try and figure out all of these people around me while trying to figure myself out too. It was fun, I am not going to lie, being able to make these interlacing relationships with people, and realising that people wanted to be around me too, that I was appreciated in my place.
I used to walk around a lot back then, and I loved it.
I am not sure which scenario I work best in, to be honest.
When I came to London, I managed to make a bunch of friends too, immediately, and of course, at that point I was living in a student accommodation, and we were all in the same boat, honestly, all of us were trying to make friends and it was as easy as going outside to have a smoke. I made a couple of friends at work too, and that wasn’t too hard really, either. So, making friends is easy, and talking to people one-on-one renders me into a anxious mess. Pery Henricks said that she enjoyed our conversation when I went to go see her, she thought that I was an extremely amazing person, and that she loved talking to me. I was fucked up for two whole days prior to this forty-five-minute meeting, and then for another day or so, after, I slept so much after.
Being around people takes a lot of energy, but maybe most of this is only because of all the anxiety, and more than anything really does depend on my mood, if I am being honest, and unfortunately, I am never in a fucking networking mood. That shit just plain fucking sucks. It might be easier if most of it wasn’t just plain begging.
I think being in a relationship also affects this a lot. Fred is a very chatty and extroverted person, and he finds it easy to talk to people. He is always talking to people at the coffee shop, infect, he got me most of these networking one-on-one meetings. He used to have anxiety too, when he first moved to Canada, but if you were to meet him now, you wouldn’t believe it. He is such a good conversationalist, and he is the funniest man I have ever met, also he is quick on his feet, he pulls out bullshit like no one’s business, and he can lie without any hesitation. He also very knowledgeable. Whenever I am working with him, I am so fascinated by how easily he can slide into conversation with just about anyone. Networking doesn’t even seem like networking with him, he does it so well. He helps me do practice rounds for calls and meetings and interviews, he helps his sister too, last year he had helped our friend. And he even loves it, he loves talking to people, more often than not, he enjoys conversations, and is always very keen about anything that is being said to him.
When it is the two of us, I usually let him take the rein, it is so much better and easier, and I easily fall back into the role of a partial observer. It is so nice, so easy, but not very fruitful for me, all things considered.
I do like being the quiet one.
I have said this a lot, and to multiple people, imagine a world where we could just transmit our thoughts and feelings into people's heads, like projection, instead of talking. There would be no miscommunications. How fucking great would that be. It would save us a lot of energy, wouldn’t it?
I think being in a relationship also affects this a lot. Fred is a very chatty and extroverted person, and he finds it easy to talk to people. He is always talking to people at the coffee shop, infect, he got me most of these networking one-on-one meetings. He used to have anxiety too, when he first moved to Canada, but if you were to meet him now, you wouldn’t believe it. He is such a good conversationalist, and he is the funniest man I have ever met, also he is quick on his feet, he pulls out bullshit like no one’s business, and he can lie without any hesitation. He also very knowledgeable. Whenever I am working with him, I am so fascinated by how easily he can slide into conversation with just about anyone. Networking doesn’t even seem like networking with him, he does it so well. He helps me do practice rounds for calls and meetings and interviews, he helps his sister too, last year he had helped our friend. And he even loves it, he loves talking to people, more often than not, he enjoys conversations, and is always very keen about anything that is being said to him.
When it is the two of us, I usually let him take the rein, it is so much better and easier, and I easily fall back into the role of a partial observer. It is so nice, so easy, but not very fruitful for me, all things considered.
I do like being the quiet one.
I have said this a lot, and to multiple people, imagine a world where we could just transmit our thoughts and feelings into people's heads, like projection, instead of talking. There would be no miscommunications. How fucking great would that be. It would save us a lot of energy, wouldn’t it?