EIGHTY SEVEN11.02.2025
sometimes you don’t have enough money to change the lightbulbs in your room, so you spend weeks feeling your way to bed in the dark, but you spend a ridiculous amount of money on takeout because you are tired after spending hours at the a&e and the food turns out to be shit and all you can do is eat cereal and laugh about it. sometimes you cry everyday for weeks and wonder if you are spiralling into a dna altering episode of depression before realising that you forgot to take your vitamins all winter, and one week of supplements is all you need to feel fine again. sometimes your nails break because you work a coffee machine all day but you don’t realise it until you are sitting in front of someone important and a wave of anxiety hits you, and your entire identity crumbles under the weight of it and on the way back home you realise that most of the people you know bite their nail, so that it’s always trimmed and that life really becomes so much easier when you decide for it to be and it is okay to feel this bone-deep exhaustion because that could also mean you are through the thick of it.
sometimes you don’t have enough money to change the lightbulbs in your room, so you spend weeks feeling your way to bed in the dark, but you spend a ridiculous amount of money on takeout because you are tired after spending hours at the a&e and the food turns out to be shit and all you can do is eat cereal and laugh about it. sometimes you cry everyday for weeks and wonder if you are spiralling into a dna altering episode of depression before realising that you forgot to take your vitamins all winter, and one week of supplements is all you need to feel fine again. sometimes your nails break because you work a coffee machine all day but you don’t realise it until you are sitting in front of someone important and a wave of anxiety hits you, and your entire identity crumbles under the weight of it and on the way back home you realise that most of the people you know bite their nail, so that it’s always trimmed and that life really becomes so much easier when you decide for it to be and it is okay to feel this bone-deep exhaustion because that could also mean you are through the thick of it.
EIGHTY SIX28.09.2024
my life is a series of rituals and cycles, if i am being honest. the thing is if my body has taken so much effort to memorize the motions of doing something, means that i am creating worship, means that my mind is surrendered to the process of doing, means i am pouring love and effort into something and then i am doing it again and again and again and i care enough to do it in a certain way to be able to feel the things i do, in my heart, means that i am working through life in a constant state of reflection, means i worship myself. is being compulsive really a bad thing? is it really control or can compulsion be allowed to flow into something akin to surrender?
my life is a series of rituals and cycles, if i am being honest. the thing is if my body has taken so much effort to memorize the motions of doing something, means that i am creating worship, means that my mind is surrendered to the process of doing, means i am pouring love and effort into something and then i am doing it again and again and again and i care enough to do it in a certain way to be able to feel the things i do, in my heart, means that i am working through life in a constant state of reflection, means i worship myself. is being compulsive really a bad thing? is it really control or can compulsion be allowed to flow into something akin to surrender?
EIGHTY FIVE18.08.2024
I look at my feet and it doesn't look like they belong to a stranger. how are you even supposed to have memories of your feet? i don't know. i think if everything i do is very ritualistic, then i am constantly in a state this state of hypnosis, in this state of fluttering consciousness. i miss everything that i used to be familiar with. it makes me angry. i try and try and try, and it just safer sometimes to sink into all of these soft things, into the arms of people i used to know. i reach far back and my fingers just start at all the nothing that is left there, not much left to say between all of this space, i need you sometimes, that's all.
I look at my feet and it doesn't look like they belong to a stranger. how are you even supposed to have memories of your feet? i don't know. i think if everything i do is very ritualistic, then i am constantly in a state this state of hypnosis, in this state of fluttering consciousness. i miss everything that i used to be familiar with. it makes me angry. i try and try and try, and it just safer sometimes to sink into all of these soft things, into the arms of people i used to know. i reach far back and my fingers just start at all the nothing that is left there, not much left to say between all of this space, i need you sometimes, that's all.
EIGHTY FOUR04.08.2023
look i’ll bring into play the solidarity of this moment. my mind was a million miles away just as my own two feet were from somewhere familiar. the intricate mechanisms of my own self i only understand vaguely, even now, even when i have only had myself to fall back on. most of what i have ever found has been teeth and reproach. then i stumble into things so jarringly beautiful, so incredibly soft, that i am driven to utter reverence and for a long, suspended moment in time, that is when everything just snaps into its perfect place. that is peace.
look i’ll bring into play the solidarity of this moment. my mind was a million miles away just as my own two feet were from somewhere familiar. the intricate mechanisms of my own self i only understand vaguely, even now, even when i have only had myself to fall back on. most of what i have ever found has been teeth and reproach. then i stumble into things so jarringly beautiful, so incredibly soft, that i am driven to utter reverence and for a long, suspended moment in time, that is when everything just snaps into its perfect place. that is peace.
EIGHTY THREE02.07.2023
soft, slow moments held in between time strike me just so. if i could sit around and watch light dance on water for the rest of my life, i would.
soft, slow moments held in between time strike me just so. if i could sit around and watch light dance on water for the rest of my life, i would.
EIGHTY TWO27.06.2023
on a bright, sunny day, i have got to have the balls to say this right, i mean fuck it, i will take whatever you've got, a minute, an hour, a day or two, whatever, right now, if i have this right now, i might not want to back away, make the same mistake, what if this is all I've got. i am ready to take that chance, i am ready to take that blame. the memory of your eyes is even more lucid than the sun today, and nothing parallels this fear, this certainty, that i might not see them again.
on a bright, sunny day, i have got to have the balls to say this right, i mean fuck it, i will take whatever you've got, a minute, an hour, a day or two, whatever, right now, if i have this right now, i might not want to back away, make the same mistake, what if this is all I've got. i am ready to take that chance, i am ready to take that blame. the memory of your eyes is even more lucid than the sun today, and nothing parallels this fear, this certainty, that i might not see them again.
EIGHTY ONE24.05.2023
everyday exists like a separate reality, what i mean to say is that what reflects off of your mind is not light, it is something different, something that would hold another person in place, if only for a moment, something that you can touch. i am not angry, and that does not make sense either, i think and i think and i look right through everything else. its uncanny how wide your vision can get once you are in the right place, but pushing to get there is the hardest. all i see is light.
everyday exists like a separate reality, what i mean to say is that what reflects off of your mind is not light, it is something different, something that would hold another person in place, if only for a moment, something that you can touch. i am not angry, and that does not make sense either, i think and i think and i look right through everything else. its uncanny how wide your vision can get once you are in the right place, but pushing to get there is the hardest. all i see is light.
EIGHTY 15.05.2023
i really want to go home, i really want to fold into myself, i really want to breathe without having to think, i really want to lay down, read a book, not have to leave my bed, watch the shadows cross my room, turn on to my side and find the sun observing me from outside my window. i really want to have tea so bad, around five-fifteen every evening, turn over again to sit down on the carpet beside my bed, my feet reflected in the mirror, watch myself in the shadows on the wall beside the desk. i really want to walk like i used to. i really want to not have to think about things for a few seconds, not have to think about where i need to be next or what i need to be doing or how something i do would make someone feel. i really want to express freely, to express love in any way that i want, to let sadness just sit inside my chest for a bit, to just cry without having to explain it, to smile to my own self, to feel nothing even. i really just want to be myself again.
i really want to go home, i really want to fold into myself, i really want to breathe without having to think, i really want to lay down, read a book, not have to leave my bed, watch the shadows cross my room, turn on to my side and find the sun observing me from outside my window. i really want to have tea so bad, around five-fifteen every evening, turn over again to sit down on the carpet beside my bed, my feet reflected in the mirror, watch myself in the shadows on the wall beside the desk. i really want to walk like i used to. i really want to not have to think about things for a few seconds, not have to think about where i need to be next or what i need to be doing or how something i do would make someone feel. i really want to express freely, to express love in any way that i want, to let sadness just sit inside my chest for a bit, to just cry without having to explain it, to smile to my own self, to feel nothing even. i really just want to be myself again.
SEVENTY NINE08.03.2023
how the rain reminds me of home, how i realize about the weakness in my heart, when did i let so many things slip out from underneath my feet. my hands feel so small when i hold them together, not worthy of the memories i hold, not worthy of the things that i have done, of the things that i am doing. i often have to sit myself down, remind myself, the earth that i touch is not the one that i spent my life familiarizing, but everything i have stemmed out of the things that i have held before and the weight of my present is a culmination of all of every single day that i have lived through.
how the rain reminds me of home, how i realize about the weakness in my heart, when did i let so many things slip out from underneath my feet. my hands feel so small when i hold them together, not worthy of the memories i hold, not worthy of the things that i have done, of the things that i am doing. i often have to sit myself down, remind myself, the earth that i touch is not the one that i spent my life familiarizing, but everything i have stemmed out of the things that i have held before and the weight of my present is a culmination of all of every single day that i have lived through.
SEVENTY EIGHT19.02.2023
there is a tenderness that exists between us that i find hard to explain. when i am holding your name in between my teeth, i am holding a million, million dreams there too, etched with a certain kind of longing that i find hard to explain, to you, to anyone, to myself. but it is beautiful. when i hold your name in between my teeth, it is so beautiful, the sensation, the softness, a sound so lucid to me, the sting there, all around the fringes, all of the love. a choice was made, now we just gotta deal with the consequences.
there is a tenderness that exists between us that i find hard to explain. when i am holding your name in between my teeth, i am holding a million, million dreams there too, etched with a certain kind of longing that i find hard to explain, to you, to anyone, to myself. but it is beautiful. when i hold your name in between my teeth, it is so beautiful, the sensation, the softness, a sound so lucid to me, the sting there, all around the fringes, all of the love. a choice was made, now we just gotta deal with the consequences.