LONDON -
THE ONE TIME I WAS HERE AS A TOURIST
I came to London for the first time in twenty eighteen. It was right before I went to Auroville to begin my internship. The second time was in twenty twenty-two right before I was going to begin university.
At that point I was applying for a lot of schools in America, and the AA was the only one that I wanted to go to in the UK. I had booked the tickets before I knew if I would go to the AA, and I had already replied to my acceptance letter. I was going to stay with Shane for a month or so, and I was very excited actually.
When I had come to London for the first time, I had been supremely excited too. I was so fucking amazing, that entire trip. To be able to roam around and do things so freely, to be able to explore a city like this by myself. We did so many amazing things around here, it was phenomenal. I didn’t really decide if I wanted to write about the first time too. I don’t think I was aware of the fact that I was going to leave for Auroville then. I remember the first thing that we did get out of the Airport. We went to Chinatown, and we got these buns there. We had my suitcases with us and Solomon got a pair of shoes. I remember the corner of the street in Soho where we stood to call the lady who’s house we were going to live in.
I only recently discovered the Airbnb again, it was near Crouch End and Archway. We used to go to Finsbury Park Station and get a bus from there. I was at the bus-stop, and it was incredible, all the nostalgia, all those memories rushing through my brain. It is also so close to where I like right now. I remember the smell of that house, so lucidly.
I had come here for the first time I think the day after Christmas and had stayed up until after new year’s. It was such a long time, and I was so excited. We spent a lot of our time around here just walking around, and it was amazing. I was so happy to see new things, and to do so by myself. It helped me with my confidence. I had discovered Wasabi back then, and they used to sell bubble tea there, and it was also the first time I had had one of those, I loved that stuff. I didn’t smoke so much back then. We used to walk around a lot and everything was new and fascinating. We went to Soho and all around Covent Garden and to see all the different markets, most of them were Christmas themed. I don’t think we ever came around this area, but we did go to Camden. I got a CD from there, jazz. We went to see the Big Ben and it was under sheets back then, and we had some Turkish coffee near Westminster.
The lady who had us staying at her house was so kind to cook dinner for us one evening, we had gone to winter-wonderland, although I have zero recollection of that.
I think the one evening that I will never forget from back then was the New Years. It was a wild and sunny day, and we had been out for so long, since early in that morning. We were around Regents Street and Soho all day, and we had wanted to stay out and watch the fireworks. There was a lot of more places around that was free to stand around. We had to find a way to get there, and we had been out all day and we were starving. We counted out all of the change we had and went to go get the train. Almost everything was shut, but we found a Wasabi in the station. We got a couple of boxes of something to eat and realized at the counter that we didn’t even have enough change to get the food. It was so sad. The guy at the counter looked around and then just let us have the food, it was a couple of small boxes, I think, not more than nine pounds, and he pushed all the change back into my hand too. I had my eyes watery when we left and got on to the tube. We ate the food somewhere near Westminster, on some steps, on the way to find a place to watch the fireworks from. We were starving. It almost made me cry. Funny how generosity is so hard to find in fellow human beings. More often than now we’ll give someone a free coffee, or something to eat, or shit like that, and my mind goes back to all those times when people were nice to me in a similar way and it always reminds me to be grateful. In a world as fucked up and harsh as the one we live in right now, to experience generosity is a miracle.
That night we watched the fireworks from a bridge, I am not sure which one it was. It was phenomenal. It has never been so exciting to go see the fireworks ever again. We ended up near the tube stop in Westminster, and we couldn’t get on for hours, they had a criminal lose in there. We waited around with thousands of people, trying to figure out a way to get back. We both cried again. A fist fight broke out in the middle of the street in front of us, the uber cost almost a kidney, and we were both positively petrified. It was one of the most intense nights of my life. And I was very sick then too. We managed to get back eventually, when the tube was open again. We went home and I couldn’t sleep. Twenty nineteen was one of the best years of my life.
At that point I was applying for a lot of schools in America, and the AA was the only one that I wanted to go to in the UK. I had booked the tickets before I knew if I would go to the AA, and I had already replied to my acceptance letter. I was going to stay with Shane for a month or so, and I was very excited actually.
When I had come to London for the first time, I had been supremely excited too. I was so fucking amazing, that entire trip. To be able to roam around and do things so freely, to be able to explore a city like this by myself. We did so many amazing things around here, it was phenomenal. I didn’t really decide if I wanted to write about the first time too. I don’t think I was aware of the fact that I was going to leave for Auroville then. I remember the first thing that we did get out of the Airport. We went to Chinatown, and we got these buns there. We had my suitcases with us and Solomon got a pair of shoes. I remember the corner of the street in Soho where we stood to call the lady who’s house we were going to live in.
I only recently discovered the Airbnb again, it was near Crouch End and Archway. We used to go to Finsbury Park Station and get a bus from there. I was at the bus-stop, and it was incredible, all the nostalgia, all those memories rushing through my brain. It is also so close to where I like right now. I remember the smell of that house, so lucidly.
I had come here for the first time I think the day after Christmas and had stayed up until after new year’s. It was such a long time, and I was so excited. We spent a lot of our time around here just walking around, and it was amazing. I was so happy to see new things, and to do so by myself. It helped me with my confidence. I had discovered Wasabi back then, and they used to sell bubble tea there, and it was also the first time I had had one of those, I loved that stuff. I didn’t smoke so much back then. We used to walk around a lot and everything was new and fascinating. We went to Soho and all around Covent Garden and to see all the different markets, most of them were Christmas themed. I don’t think we ever came around this area, but we did go to Camden. I got a CD from there, jazz. We went to see the Big Ben and it was under sheets back then, and we had some Turkish coffee near Westminster.
The lady who had us staying at her house was so kind to cook dinner for us one evening, we had gone to winter-wonderland, although I have zero recollection of that.
I think the one evening that I will never forget from back then was the New Years. It was a wild and sunny day, and we had been out for so long, since early in that morning. We were around Regents Street and Soho all day, and we had wanted to stay out and watch the fireworks. There was a lot of more places around that was free to stand around. We had to find a way to get there, and we had been out all day and we were starving. We counted out all of the change we had and went to go get the train. Almost everything was shut, but we found a Wasabi in the station. We got a couple of boxes of something to eat and realized at the counter that we didn’t even have enough change to get the food. It was so sad. The guy at the counter looked around and then just let us have the food, it was a couple of small boxes, I think, not more than nine pounds, and he pushed all the change back into my hand too. I had my eyes watery when we left and got on to the tube. We ate the food somewhere near Westminster, on some steps, on the way to find a place to watch the fireworks from. We were starving. It almost made me cry. Funny how generosity is so hard to find in fellow human beings. More often than now we’ll give someone a free coffee, or something to eat, or shit like that, and my mind goes back to all those times when people were nice to me in a similar way and it always reminds me to be grateful. In a world as fucked up and harsh as the one we live in right now, to experience generosity is a miracle.
That night we watched the fireworks from a bridge, I am not sure which one it was. It was phenomenal. It has never been so exciting to go see the fireworks ever again. We ended up near the tube stop in Westminster, and we couldn’t get on for hours, they had a criminal lose in there. We waited around with thousands of people, trying to figure out a way to get back. We both cried again. A fist fight broke out in the middle of the street in front of us, the uber cost almost a kidney, and we were both positively petrified. It was one of the most intense nights of my life. And I was very sick then too. We managed to get back eventually, when the tube was open again. We went home and I couldn’t sleep. Twenty nineteen was one of the best years of my life.
When I came back, Suri was living in London. It was so completely different than the last time. He was an absolute dick this time around. He came to pick me up from the airport this time around too. We went to Franco Monca to have some pizza after, the one in Soho. He used to work in Queens Park back then, in the Gails there. He used to bring back a lot of food from there, I guess that is the reason why I hold some fond memories of this place, which I would not step into anymore. The city seemed a lot more inviting to me back then. I was also very petrified to be here. I was going to be here for about forty days, and I was going to have to spend most of it by myself. Isn’t that funny, I had just spent about two years all by myself in a place as strange to me as this one. Solomon would always get me free coffee whenever I went to visit him, and food too. I used to wake up and go walk down to the Neasden high-street to get coffee, for the both of us sometimes, I would find flowers along the way some days and pick it up too. I would have to walk all the way to the bridge on the over-way and then across. I didn’t spill much coffee back then, unlike I do now. That would be my routine most morning, if Seth was around or not.
I walked around a lot, I walked around all over the city back then, mostly by myself. I would wake up every morning and search for something to do and then do it that day. I would dress up and feel so nice about myself, looking pretty. I was so confident back then, it was amazing, I was just exploring this too, really being myself and being in my own skin, it was really amazing. It was a mixture of being more happy with the way that I looked, and with a lot of things going correctly in my life. It was peak.
I used to walk around a lot, for the entire day, everyday, and then I would take one day off, to rest, every week. One time I walked all the way from the Tower Bridge to Vauxhall, going across from one side to the other alternatively. I had walked for miles. It was so fucking amazing to be able to do whatever I wanted, and to be able have enough confidence to do all of it by myself. At tower bridge, another time, I was really sad. I was just standing around and looking at people take pictures of each other or together, and I felt horribly sad. I would have really liked to have a picture of myself there, in that moment. It was so amazing to me to be standing there, so powerfully shifting, to be in a place of endless significance on a beautiful day. I went to the conservatory in the Barbican, and it made me feel horribly lonely. I went to a bunch of markets and parks and different kinds of events, and I also did make a bunch of pictures and videos during that time too. I did mostly enjoy being by myself. I was able to do whatever I wanted, and do whatever I wanted to, and it was rather peaceful to not have to worry about someone other than myself. I went to the flower market several times, it was so lovely. I would listen to music all day and then read in the tube, read on the bus, read in parks and shit. I spent a whole afternoon on a beautiful sunny day sitting the canopy of an ancient tree writing in my journal. It was fantastic. The leaves hid me from everyone who was passing by, but I was still completely in the center of all of it. The sunlight filtering in through the leaves, and moving, just slightly so, with the wind, draped me in a very vivid sensation of safety. I wrote while eating food at restaurants, and at cafes, almost everywhere.
There was also a lot of places where I used to go that doesn’t exist anymore.
The person that was me back then doesn’t exist anymore either.
I don’t look the same, all of the things that I used to wear back then are hanging in my closet downstairs, and they don’t fit me, they haven’t for almost two years now. I am not obsessed with the same people I used to be obsessed with back then. Isn’t that ridiculous? I live with the love of my life, and I work as a barista. Everything seems like it’s upside down now. I would wonder a lot, a lot, about how my life would end up looking when I moved out here to study. It is so fascinating to watch all of this come to life. I used to write a lot about it too, and it’s so amazing to watch how I now live it. So fascinating.
That summer was so beautiful. I had managed to do a lot in London, a lot more than I could have imagined to. I never walked in the park though, and I never even made it to the top of Primrose hill. I walked across it though, along the path that goes across on the side of chalk farm. I used to talk the canal a lot, it was one of the places that I loved to be around. I sometimes freak myself out when I remember the exact roads that I walked on or the exact cafes of restaurants that I went to back then. There is a T-4 near Charing Cross that somehow is etched into my brain. I will never forget the Wasabi in front of the South Kensington station – well, now it has a lot of additional trauma pilled on to it too, but that’s for another time. The exact path that I walked thr ough Primrose Hill, that took me across but not to the top. All of these things are what
I walked around a lot, I walked around all over the city back then, mostly by myself. I would wake up every morning and search for something to do and then do it that day. I would dress up and feel so nice about myself, looking pretty. I was so confident back then, it was amazing, I was just exploring this too, really being myself and being in my own skin, it was really amazing. It was a mixture of being more happy with the way that I looked, and with a lot of things going correctly in my life. It was peak.
I used to walk around a lot, for the entire day, everyday, and then I would take one day off, to rest, every week. One time I walked all the way from the Tower Bridge to Vauxhall, going across from one side to the other alternatively. I had walked for miles. It was so fucking amazing to be able to do whatever I wanted, and to be able have enough confidence to do all of it by myself. At tower bridge, another time, I was really sad. I was just standing around and looking at people take pictures of each other or together, and I felt horribly sad. I would have really liked to have a picture of myself there, in that moment. It was so amazing to me to be standing there, so powerfully shifting, to be in a place of endless significance on a beautiful day. I went to the conservatory in the Barbican, and it made me feel horribly lonely. I went to a bunch of markets and parks and different kinds of events, and I also did make a bunch of pictures and videos during that time too. I did mostly enjoy being by myself. I was able to do whatever I wanted, and do whatever I wanted to, and it was rather peaceful to not have to worry about someone other than myself. I went to the flower market several times, it was so lovely. I would listen to music all day and then read in the tube, read on the bus, read in parks and shit. I spent a whole afternoon on a beautiful sunny day sitting the canopy of an ancient tree writing in my journal. It was fantastic. The leaves hid me from everyone who was passing by, but I was still completely in the center of all of it. The sunlight filtering in through the leaves, and moving, just slightly so, with the wind, draped me in a very vivid sensation of safety. I wrote while eating food at restaurants, and at cafes, almost everywhere.
There was also a lot of places where I used to go that doesn’t exist anymore.
The person that was me back then doesn’t exist anymore either.
I don’t look the same, all of the things that I used to wear back then are hanging in my closet downstairs, and they don’t fit me, they haven’t for almost two years now. I am not obsessed with the same people I used to be obsessed with back then. Isn’t that ridiculous? I live with the love of my life, and I work as a barista. Everything seems like it’s upside down now. I would wonder a lot, a lot, about how my life would end up looking when I moved out here to study. It is so fascinating to watch all of this come to life. I used to write a lot about it too, and it’s so amazing to watch how I now live it. So fascinating.
That summer was so beautiful. I had managed to do a lot in London, a lot more than I could have imagined to. I never walked in the park though, and I never even made it to the top of Primrose hill. I walked across it though, along the path that goes across on the side of chalk farm. I used to talk the canal a lot, it was one of the places that I loved to be around. I sometimes freak myself out when I remember the exact roads that I walked on or the exact cafes of restaurants that I went to back then. There is a T-4 near Charing Cross that somehow is etched into my brain. I will never forget the Wasabi in front of the South Kensington station – well, now it has a lot of additional trauma pilled on to it too, but that’s for another time. The exact path that I walked thr ough Primrose Hill, that took me across but not to the top. All of these things are what
form the foundation of my life that we have built here. I am grateful for it, for myself. It’s like you leave imprints of your
essence in the footsteps that you take, and then you walk the same steps again some years later, and somehow get teleported to your self from back then and all of it warps into a weird singularity in your head as time passes by.
I wasn’t lonely all the while. Sheldon and I would go out sometimes, and that was really cool. When I was here later, we would meet every week, he had a whole bunch of stamp cards that he stole before leaving his old place of work, and we would meet in Soho and get free coffees and walk around, go to exhibitions or shows, or just sit around, he loved to go into shops, and I would follow along. Rituals also tie you to places, I recon. When I had a huge fight with Sut, I just couldn’t stick around, and he would be such a fucking dick about the window, it was just smack in the middle of summer and the sun would raise at four in the morning, and he wouldn’t let me shut the blinds, it was so annoying because the light always wakes me up. I don’t even know what we had fought about back then. I would bring him bubble tea sometimes, and we would order in from time to time. Sona also used to make some amazing, scrambled eggs for breakfast. Those were the times I loved the best. We would make breakfast, and eat it together, and the put the dirty plates under his cabinets for later. I also met some new people back then, some lovely and strong women. That was an amazing exprience too. It was one of the first times in my life when I was surrounding myself with female presence, and that felt lovely, so warm. I think London was so warm to me that time, it changed my life, it made me feel so welcome and it opened up a lot of new ideas for me to wonder about.
It feels so different now, so much harsher, cold. I didn’t know what my future held back then, and that was okay. I think when I was here back then, I was in a glorious period of my life, and I felt like a god, really, my skin glowed because of all the power that I felt on the inside. Funnily, that was also the one time I got a shit load of free stuff, a bunch of coffees and some other stuff, candies. It feels like a projection of my own inner confidence and love for myself.
The time that I was here in London as a tourist was also times when my life took giant leaps in terms of romantic revelations and reconciliations. I got a call from an American number when I was having dinner with some of Sharrons friends, that a text on the new year’s, those are some pivotal moments of my life. I don’t think I handled either one of these situations well. Sometimes I sit around and wonder about this, how different my life would have been if I would have reacted differently to this unsolicited call, if I wouldn’t have been so naive about the text.
Maybe it was like this, the two times that I was here was the opening and the closing of a portal into a part of my life that was meant to drive me into lessons and experiences that would help me built the foundations of my soul, of my person. It was really between these two times that I was able to discover myself through my romantic relationships, or through the lack of them. I value my partnership a lot, my romantic partners define me, my life. I went through the process of discovering how much that could hurt me and my own growth, how much that could blind me, and now I find myself in a very respectful relationship, one where this dependency is fulfilling rather than limiting. These two instances of when I was in London seem to mark the beginning and the end of a cycle of maturing. I also found Fenny here, after all of that, and that amuses me.
London did call to me; I didn’t realize the response within my heart was so strong. I wonder a lot of times if this city really wants me, or if I have been victim of a very intricate delusion for the last four years, but I remember all those times when I was here on vacation, and my heartbeat calms down, just a tad bit. I absolutely hate all these fucking Christmas markets, fucking Camden, all the people in Soho, the fact that my bus takes a million years to get through to anywhere if it is near the river, and all of the idiots that I see crowding the streets every day, phones out, turning this way and that in their spot, trying to figure out which was to go, I do, but there was a time when I was one of them, and it was really fucking great.
I wasn’t lonely all the while. Sheldon and I would go out sometimes, and that was really cool. When I was here later, we would meet every week, he had a whole bunch of stamp cards that he stole before leaving his old place of work, and we would meet in Soho and get free coffees and walk around, go to exhibitions or shows, or just sit around, he loved to go into shops, and I would follow along. Rituals also tie you to places, I recon. When I had a huge fight with Sut, I just couldn’t stick around, and he would be such a fucking dick about the window, it was just smack in the middle of summer and the sun would raise at four in the morning, and he wouldn’t let me shut the blinds, it was so annoying because the light always wakes me up. I don’t even know what we had fought about back then. I would bring him bubble tea sometimes, and we would order in from time to time. Sona also used to make some amazing, scrambled eggs for breakfast. Those were the times I loved the best. We would make breakfast, and eat it together, and the put the dirty plates under his cabinets for later. I also met some new people back then, some lovely and strong women. That was an amazing exprience too. It was one of the first times in my life when I was surrounding myself with female presence, and that felt lovely, so warm. I think London was so warm to me that time, it changed my life, it made me feel so welcome and it opened up a lot of new ideas for me to wonder about.
It feels so different now, so much harsher, cold. I didn’t know what my future held back then, and that was okay. I think when I was here back then, I was in a glorious period of my life, and I felt like a god, really, my skin glowed because of all the power that I felt on the inside. Funnily, that was also the one time I got a shit load of free stuff, a bunch of coffees and some other stuff, candies. It feels like a projection of my own inner confidence and love for myself.
The time that I was here in London as a tourist was also times when my life took giant leaps in terms of romantic revelations and reconciliations. I got a call from an American number when I was having dinner with some of Sharrons friends, that a text on the new year’s, those are some pivotal moments of my life. I don’t think I handled either one of these situations well. Sometimes I sit around and wonder about this, how different my life would have been if I would have reacted differently to this unsolicited call, if I wouldn’t have been so naive about the text.
Maybe it was like this, the two times that I was here was the opening and the closing of a portal into a part of my life that was meant to drive me into lessons and experiences that would help me built the foundations of my soul, of my person. It was really between these two times that I was able to discover myself through my romantic relationships, or through the lack of them. I value my partnership a lot, my romantic partners define me, my life. I went through the process of discovering how much that could hurt me and my own growth, how much that could blind me, and now I find myself in a very respectful relationship, one where this dependency is fulfilling rather than limiting. These two instances of when I was in London seem to mark the beginning and the end of a cycle of maturing. I also found Fenny here, after all of that, and that amuses me.
London did call to me; I didn’t realize the response within my heart was so strong. I wonder a lot of times if this city really wants me, or if I have been victim of a very intricate delusion for the last four years, but I remember all those times when I was here on vacation, and my heartbeat calms down, just a tad bit. I absolutely hate all these fucking Christmas markets, fucking Camden, all the people in Soho, the fact that my bus takes a million years to get through to anywhere if it is near the river, and all of the idiots that I see crowding the streets every day, phones out, turning this way and that in their spot, trying to figure out which was to go, I do, but there was a time when I was one of them, and it was really fucking great.